Handling the Hard Stuff

Last night’s support group had a more somber tone as members expressed some very hard life situations and struggles. Tough living situations, broken relationships, feeling rejected, moving to a new city, having difficult conversations with loved ones, setting boundaries and navigating challenging work situations were all issues we discussed. However, despite these difficulties, members were responding to these situations the best possible way they could by reaching out for support to safe people, creating a plan, and keeping self care as a high priority. One interesting point that a member brought up is that if your happiness or peace is found externally, then it can always be taken away from you…but if the source of your happiness is internal, then even when external circumstances change, you still maintain your happiness and peace. Members wrestled with this because it’s easier said than done.

However, this is a huge part of recovery. We have to look inside and find self-acceptance, even love, for who we truly are, in order to foster our healing and recovery. We have to stop relying on external situations and people to “fix us,” fulfill us, and bring us peace and happiness. I was inspired to see that members were able to do this: look inside at their (really distressing) feelings of pain, loneliness, and rejection, and face their feelings instead of numbing themselves with self-harm or eating disorder behavior. Even more so, last night when we were able to talk about these painful emotions with one another, we found we were not so alone, and this provided comfort and support to keep moving forward.

I also experienced sadness last night seeing that it was my last time co-facilitating the group because I will be graduating and moving back to South Carolina in a few weeks. First, I want to thank all of the group members for inviting me in as a co-leader for the past several months. I’ve enjoyed getting to know all of you in your own unique ways. Thank you for opening up and sharing your successes and challenges with me. I was truly inspired by your courage, your growth, and your authenticity. I continue to encourage you to take those small steps forward into recovery on a daily basis, because they truly make all the difference. I wish you all the best,

Kathryn

Relationships

This week in the EDF support group, themes around family dynamics and boundaries came up for members. The group discussed how when you accept that your have an eating disorder, it can be difficult to communicate your struggle to family members, spouses and friends, and ask for their support. A lot of times, people don’t know how to respond to the disclosure of an eating disorder and will even react in ways that are hurtful or triggering of more eating disorder behavior. Members expressed the common experience of those they are close to responding with an “I’m going to fix you” attitude, a drill sergeant approach, or simpe negligence, which are all unhelpful reactions. Other members shared concern about reaching out to others and becoming a burden to them. Yet, the group also resolved that all people struggle with something and a healthy relationship consists of reaching out to one another for support and at the same time containing your needs and not becoming over-dependent on someone else. All of these interactions are common with eating disorders and the ultimate question is how to communicate to safe people effectively so that they understand what you need and can support you.

Boundary setting was another topic of discussion. Members wrestled with the fine line between accepting someone else (friend, spouse, family member) and the relationship (even though it may be unhealthy) and setting a boundary, which would keep them from getting sucked into unhealthy roles and dynamics, and stunt recovery. This was a difficult issue because members were re-evaluating relationships with boyfriends, mothers and friends that were unwholesome. The course of action to take in a toxic relationship is a personal choice, and you have to decide whether to try to work on the relationship, alter it in a way that makes it healthy for yourself, or end it. These are tough decisions because of the emotional connections we have with others.

As always, I was inspired by the group members’ willingness to be real with the group. This authenticity and ability to wrestle with tough issues unites this group and fosters each member’s recovery process, which is astounding. I encourage all of us to examine our relationships and potentially set boundaries that would help us grow even more.

Kathryn

Re-discovering who we are as we strengthen our identity in recovery

Last night we had another full house!  I am so in awe of all of the members who come and offer each other honesty, support, guidance, and acceptance.  To see such full numbers come to group just shows that we all believe in recovery and will not quit until we get it.  A theme that surfaced in last night's group was defining who we are in new situations as we walk the path towards recovery from an eating disorder.  One member spoke about the opportunity she has been given to re-discover herself in a new work environment. This has brought up many exciting things for her -- and challenges, such as speaking up for her needs with co-workers.  Another members spoke of deciding that in her recovery, she is discovering that she needs to remove toxic and triggering influences from her life -- whether they are substances, food, or people.  In this quest of self-discovery, this member has had to make challenging choices, but ones that have helped strengthen her belief in who she in recovery.

Another aspect of last night's group that struck me was how strong we are as we battle multiple issues at once.  Not often is an eating disorder alone in its impact on our lives.  Typically it brings (or tags along with) other issues such as depression, anxiety, and other types of addiction or substance abuse with it.  As members struggle with multiple concerns, it becomes all to clear how complex recovery can be.  As we focus on one issue, another issue may become more difficult.  However, healing from an eating disorder can bring us peace in depression and lessen anxiety, and members reached out to each other in agreement that this is challenging -- but ultimately rewarding.

Eating disorder recovery is not easy.  We all know this.  However, it is possible to find peace and wellness, and this support group is a vehicle for trying to secure that peace.  We will always be there, and we will always offer hope and guidance.  We look forward to sharing that experience with you!

Peace and health, Kate

Looking Inward in Recovery

Tonight in the support group, members focused on looking inward for their identity, validation and recovery instead of “out there” for the solution. The first step to change is becoming aware of what needs to actually change and accepting where you are in that moment. Group members were able to process their increased awareness, of even parts of themselves they’d rather not look at like the compulsion to eat, obsessive thoughts around food, over control, the need for others’ validation, shame, and how difficult it is to be honest with others about their struggle.

One member expressed her need for others to validate her worth and her feeling of being unable to do that for herself. Another member encouraged her by expressing how she is now able to look inward and see her value, but it took several months to do so. Finding our own self-worth takes time. However, group members encouraged one another to begin searching for little things about themselves they appreciate: being a faithful friend and a hard worker, contributing to the community in a positive way, and developing the unique personality each person has, for example.

Recovery does require that we look inward for healing. This is difficult but so rewarding in the long run. Sometimes this means slowly removing our “safety net” and allowing the masked emotions and wounds underneath to be uncovered and dealt with. The “safety net” may include anything that gives you a sense of control and allows you to distract from what’s really going on: relationships, over-working, busyness, substances like alcohol or other medications, for instance. Recovery takes place when you can sit with yourself, be real with yourself, and allow yourself to see and feel what’s going on inside. The good thing is that you don’t have to do all this work alone…therapists, support groups, friends and family can all encourage you on this journey, even though they can’t do the work for you. I hope that we all continue to look inward this week and continue on the path towards greater health we are all on…

Kathryn

Growing out of our eating disorder and into ourselves

Every week, the support group members astonish me with their wisdom, perseverance, and level of hope they carry on their path of eating disorder recovery.  We had an amazing group last night, full of women on all walks of life and on the path to recovery offering each other support and resources.  One thing that continues to pop out at me is the capacity that members have to offer each other unrelenting depths of hope, but the difficulty they have in turned that hope towards their own recovery.  Why is it that we feel it is easier to give help to others than to embody it ourselves?  I think that eating disorders are tricky and deceptive things (and I am sure you would agree) that tell us lies such as "you don't deserve to be strong", or "you're not good enough to be in recovery".  These negative and untrue messages can keep us fighting a battle that we ALL deserve to win.

A big theme last night was this very concept of "I'm not living up to ______'s standards".  Whether it is your expectations, your parents', society's or ED's, can we ever really get to that unattainable place?  And if we do, will we be happy?  As someone who had walked this path, I can tell you that the more pressure we put on ourselves (whether by our own volition or put upon us by others), the more out of reach our recovery becomes.  Recovery is balanced, recovery means making mistakes.  Recovery does not mean perfection.....we are seduced by our eating disorder the more that perfection taunts us.  As someone who has WON this battle, I strive every day to live in the gray area, and not in the black and white.

How do we know when we are on the path to recovery? That question is echoed a million times all over the world every single day.  One member brought up her own journey last night  -- and shared with the group her anguish over growing out of her clothes.  Members were eager to show her support -- and to help her understand that she is growing out of her "sick clothes" and into her recovery.  This is one of the most difficult parts of recovery, however it is undeniable evidence that we are healing.  Growth is the essence of recovery -- growing out of the box we are stuck in, growing wiser in our own self-care, and growing stronger to fight the ED every day.

I know that there is growth happening every day, and I am grateful that the members of the support group trust us enough to show that growth.  One of the most amazing things about this growth is that we are growing TOGETHER.....and together we can beat the devastation of an eating disorder.

Kate

Trust

Trusting can be incredibly difficult in general and especially hard when recovering from an eating disorder. Not only do you have to trust those who are providing treatment (therapists, nutritionists) and those who support you (family, friends, spouses, support group), but you have to trust yourself too. Tonight in group, members spoke of trusting themselves, especially to take risks and small steps towards recovery. One member discussed trusting herself to pack a balanced lunch, another had to trust herself enough to allow herself to take a break from life’s demands, and another spoke of her desire to not be paralyzed by fear but rather to be willing to take risks despite knowing the results of her efforts.

There comes a point in recovery when you have to learn to trust yourself to give your body what it needs and desires. Learning self-care requires taking risks in giving yourself what you need, instead of what you think or tell yourself you need. One member put it well: ‘you can’t think yourself into a new way of being, you have to experience yourself into a new way of being,” meaning you have to take the small steps in becoming the person you want to be. Every person has that intuitive voice, the one that is the healthy voice, and we have to trust that it knows best and follow it.

Every week, members reveal ways they are trusting themselves on their recovery journey. They trust their true voice by challenging their eating disordered thoughts and behavior, setting healthy boundaries in relationships, being honest, staying on board with treatment regardless of how they feel, and not isolating. They inspire one another to trust their healthy voice, not the sick voice that is marked by fear, that defines you by a number, and that lies about your self-worth being defined by your appearance. As usual, I was inspired by the group's courage, and I hope we all continue to trust ourselves and continue taking the small steps to become more whole and healthy individuals.

Kathryn

Integrity

The word that comes to mind from last night's group is INTEGRITY- which includes honesty and being our whole, true selves. Members displayed bold honesty about life’s hardships and celebrations, their struggles with their eating disorder, and their desire to listen to their true voice rather than the one that is harmful. Eating disorders are secretive and make us isolate from those we love, but when we choose to bring our struggle out into the open with safe people, the eating disorder loses its power. Shame vanishes, hope rises, and we can deal with the issue underneath that’s really fueling the behavior.

I was amazed at the courage many members demonstrated by speaking the truth about their eating disorder to spouses, friends, therapists and the support group. This willingness to be real about one’s struggle fosters immense growth towards recovery.

The topic of Identity was also brought up as members wrestled with defining who they are without the demands, expectations or assumptions of other people. One member encouraged everyone to grow outside of the “little box” of sizes or numbers on the scale or our clothes that we can be tempted to define ourselves by. When we grow the box of our identity a little bigger, we have more space to flourish and become who we truly are, which is so much more than simply a number. Our unique personality, interests, passions, gifts, and all the elements that make us who we truly are can thrive when we allow others’ perceptions and even our own self-imposed limitations fall away.

Honesty and identity are issues that are essential to recovery. Both were present last night in group as members were honest with themselves as well as other group members. I was amazed and inspired by the group’s audacity to discover their true identity apart from struggling with an eating disorder. As one member put it, “your eating disorder is not your legacy…it is not who you are.” I hope we all continue to be boldly honest and true to our own identity as we go through this week.

Kathryn