Handling the Hard Stuff

Last night’s support group had a more somber tone as members expressed some very hard life situations and struggles. Tough living situations, broken relationships, feeling rejected, moving to a new city, having difficult conversations with loved ones, setting boundaries and navigating challenging work situations were all issues we discussed. However, despite these difficulties, members were responding to these situations the best possible way they could by reaching out for support to safe people, creating a plan, and keeping self care as a high priority. One interesting point that a member brought up is that if your happiness or peace is found externally, then it can always be taken away from you…but if the source of your happiness is internal, then even when external circumstances change, you still maintain your happiness and peace. Members wrestled with this because it’s easier said than done.

However, this is a huge part of recovery. We have to look inside and find self-acceptance, even love, for who we truly are, in order to foster our healing and recovery. We have to stop relying on external situations and people to “fix us,” fulfill us, and bring us peace and happiness. I was inspired to see that members were able to do this: look inside at their (really distressing) feelings of pain, loneliness, and rejection, and face their feelings instead of numbing themselves with self-harm or eating disorder behavior. Even more so, last night when we were able to talk about these painful emotions with one another, we found we were not so alone, and this provided comfort and support to keep moving forward.

I also experienced sadness last night seeing that it was my last time co-facilitating the group because I will be graduating and moving back to South Carolina in a few weeks. First, I want to thank all of the group members for inviting me in as a co-leader for the past several months. I’ve enjoyed getting to know all of you in your own unique ways. Thank you for opening up and sharing your successes and challenges with me. I was truly inspired by your courage, your growth, and your authenticity. I continue to encourage you to take those small steps forward into recovery on a daily basis, because they truly make all the difference. I wish you all the best,

Kathryn

Relationships

This week in the EDF support group, themes around family dynamics and boundaries came up for members. The group discussed how when you accept that your have an eating disorder, it can be difficult to communicate your struggle to family members, spouses and friends, and ask for their support. A lot of times, people don’t know how to respond to the disclosure of an eating disorder and will even react in ways that are hurtful or triggering of more eating disorder behavior. Members expressed the common experience of those they are close to responding with an “I’m going to fix you” attitude, a drill sergeant approach, or simpe negligence, which are all unhelpful reactions. Other members shared concern about reaching out to others and becoming a burden to them. Yet, the group also resolved that all people struggle with something and a healthy relationship consists of reaching out to one another for support and at the same time containing your needs and not becoming over-dependent on someone else. All of these interactions are common with eating disorders and the ultimate question is how to communicate to safe people effectively so that they understand what you need and can support you.

Boundary setting was another topic of discussion. Members wrestled with the fine line between accepting someone else (friend, spouse, family member) and the relationship (even though it may be unhealthy) and setting a boundary, which would keep them from getting sucked into unhealthy roles and dynamics, and stunt recovery. This was a difficult issue because members were re-evaluating relationships with boyfriends, mothers and friends that were unwholesome. The course of action to take in a toxic relationship is a personal choice, and you have to decide whether to try to work on the relationship, alter it in a way that makes it healthy for yourself, or end it. These are tough decisions because of the emotional connections we have with others.

As always, I was inspired by the group members’ willingness to be real with the group. This authenticity and ability to wrestle with tough issues unites this group and fosters each member’s recovery process, which is astounding. I encourage all of us to examine our relationships and potentially set boundaries that would help us grow even more.

Kathryn

Re-discovering who we are as we strengthen our identity in recovery

Last night we had another full house!  I am so in awe of all of the members who come and offer each other honesty, support, guidance, and acceptance.  To see such full numbers come to group just shows that we all believe in recovery and will not quit until we get it.  A theme that surfaced in last night's group was defining who we are in new situations as we walk the path towards recovery from an eating disorder.  One member spoke about the opportunity she has been given to re-discover herself in a new work environment. This has brought up many exciting things for her -- and challenges, such as speaking up for her needs with co-workers.  Another members spoke of deciding that in her recovery, she is discovering that she needs to remove toxic and triggering influences from her life -- whether they are substances, food, or people.  In this quest of self-discovery, this member has had to make challenging choices, but ones that have helped strengthen her belief in who she in recovery.

Another aspect of last night's group that struck me was how strong we are as we battle multiple issues at once.  Not often is an eating disorder alone in its impact on our lives.  Typically it brings (or tags along with) other issues such as depression, anxiety, and other types of addiction or substance abuse with it.  As members struggle with multiple concerns, it becomes all to clear how complex recovery can be.  As we focus on one issue, another issue may become more difficult.  However, healing from an eating disorder can bring us peace in depression and lessen anxiety, and members reached out to each other in agreement that this is challenging -- but ultimately rewarding.

Eating disorder recovery is not easy.  We all know this.  However, it is possible to find peace and wellness, and this support group is a vehicle for trying to secure that peace.  We will always be there, and we will always offer hope and guidance.  We look forward to sharing that experience with you!

Peace and health, Kate

Looking Inward in Recovery

Tonight in the support group, members focused on looking inward for their identity, validation and recovery instead of “out there” for the solution. The first step to change is becoming aware of what needs to actually change and accepting where you are in that moment. Group members were able to process their increased awareness, of even parts of themselves they’d rather not look at like the compulsion to eat, obsessive thoughts around food, over control, the need for others’ validation, shame, and how difficult it is to be honest with others about their struggle.

One member expressed her need for others to validate her worth and her feeling of being unable to do that for herself. Another member encouraged her by expressing how she is now able to look inward and see her value, but it took several months to do so. Finding our own self-worth takes time. However, group members encouraged one another to begin searching for little things about themselves they appreciate: being a faithful friend and a hard worker, contributing to the community in a positive way, and developing the unique personality each person has, for example.

Recovery does require that we look inward for healing. This is difficult but so rewarding in the long run. Sometimes this means slowly removing our “safety net” and allowing the masked emotions and wounds underneath to be uncovered and dealt with. The “safety net” may include anything that gives you a sense of control and allows you to distract from what’s really going on: relationships, over-working, busyness, substances like alcohol or other medications, for instance. Recovery takes place when you can sit with yourself, be real with yourself, and allow yourself to see and feel what’s going on inside. The good thing is that you don’t have to do all this work alone…therapists, support groups, friends and family can all encourage you on this journey, even though they can’t do the work for you. I hope that we all continue to look inward this week and continue on the path towards greater health we are all on…

Kathryn

Growing out of our eating disorder and into ourselves

Every week, the support group members astonish me with their wisdom, perseverance, and level of hope they carry on their path of eating disorder recovery.  We had an amazing group last night, full of women on all walks of life and on the path to recovery offering each other support and resources.  One thing that continues to pop out at me is the capacity that members have to offer each other unrelenting depths of hope, but the difficulty they have in turned that hope towards their own recovery.  Why is it that we feel it is easier to give help to others than to embody it ourselves?  I think that eating disorders are tricky and deceptive things (and I am sure you would agree) that tell us lies such as "you don't deserve to be strong", or "you're not good enough to be in recovery".  These negative and untrue messages can keep us fighting a battle that we ALL deserve to win.

A big theme last night was this very concept of "I'm not living up to ______'s standards".  Whether it is your expectations, your parents', society's or ED's, can we ever really get to that unattainable place?  And if we do, will we be happy?  As someone who had walked this path, I can tell you that the more pressure we put on ourselves (whether by our own volition or put upon us by others), the more out of reach our recovery becomes.  Recovery is balanced, recovery means making mistakes.  Recovery does not mean perfection.....we are seduced by our eating disorder the more that perfection taunts us.  As someone who has WON this battle, I strive every day to live in the gray area, and not in the black and white.

How do we know when we are on the path to recovery? That question is echoed a million times all over the world every single day.  One member brought up her own journey last night  -- and shared with the group her anguish over growing out of her clothes.  Members were eager to show her support -- and to help her understand that she is growing out of her "sick clothes" and into her recovery.  This is one of the most difficult parts of recovery, however it is undeniable evidence that we are healing.  Growth is the essence of recovery -- growing out of the box we are stuck in, growing wiser in our own self-care, and growing stronger to fight the ED every day.

I know that there is growth happening every day, and I am grateful that the members of the support group trust us enough to show that growth.  One of the most amazing things about this growth is that we are growing TOGETHER.....and together we can beat the devastation of an eating disorder.

Kate

Trust

Trusting can be incredibly difficult in general and especially hard when recovering from an eating disorder. Not only do you have to trust those who are providing treatment (therapists, nutritionists) and those who support you (family, friends, spouses, support group), but you have to trust yourself too. Tonight in group, members spoke of trusting themselves, especially to take risks and small steps towards recovery. One member discussed trusting herself to pack a balanced lunch, another had to trust herself enough to allow herself to take a break from life’s demands, and another spoke of her desire to not be paralyzed by fear but rather to be willing to take risks despite knowing the results of her efforts.

There comes a point in recovery when you have to learn to trust yourself to give your body what it needs and desires. Learning self-care requires taking risks in giving yourself what you need, instead of what you think or tell yourself you need. One member put it well: ‘you can’t think yourself into a new way of being, you have to experience yourself into a new way of being,” meaning you have to take the small steps in becoming the person you want to be. Every person has that intuitive voice, the one that is the healthy voice, and we have to trust that it knows best and follow it.

Every week, members reveal ways they are trusting themselves on their recovery journey. They trust their true voice by challenging their eating disordered thoughts and behavior, setting healthy boundaries in relationships, being honest, staying on board with treatment regardless of how they feel, and not isolating. They inspire one another to trust their healthy voice, not the sick voice that is marked by fear, that defines you by a number, and that lies about your self-worth being defined by your appearance. As usual, I was inspired by the group's courage, and I hope we all continue to trust ourselves and continue taking the small steps to become more whole and healthy individuals.

Kathryn

Integrity

The word that comes to mind from last night's group is INTEGRITY- which includes honesty and being our whole, true selves. Members displayed bold honesty about life’s hardships and celebrations, their struggles with their eating disorder, and their desire to listen to their true voice rather than the one that is harmful. Eating disorders are secretive and make us isolate from those we love, but when we choose to bring our struggle out into the open with safe people, the eating disorder loses its power. Shame vanishes, hope rises, and we can deal with the issue underneath that’s really fueling the behavior.

I was amazed at the courage many members demonstrated by speaking the truth about their eating disorder to spouses, friends, therapists and the support group. This willingness to be real about one’s struggle fosters immense growth towards recovery.

The topic of Identity was also brought up as members wrestled with defining who they are without the demands, expectations or assumptions of other people. One member encouraged everyone to grow outside of the “little box” of sizes or numbers on the scale or our clothes that we can be tempted to define ourselves by. When we grow the box of our identity a little bigger, we have more space to flourish and become who we truly are, which is so much more than simply a number. Our unique personality, interests, passions, gifts, and all the elements that make us who we truly are can thrive when we allow others’ perceptions and even our own self-imposed limitations fall away.

Honesty and identity are issues that are essential to recovery. Both were present last night in group as members were honest with themselves as well as other group members. I was amazed and inspired by the group’s audacity to discover their true identity apart from struggling with an eating disorder. As one member put it, “your eating disorder is not your legacy…it is not who you are.” I hope we all continue to be boldly honest and true to our own identity as we go through this week.

Kathryn

Authentic Recovery and Boundaries

The themes that came up this week in the Support Group were the Authenticity of Recovery and Boundaries.

One member brought up whether she could be “in recovery” when her behavior is still present. Other members responded by explaining that recovery is a process, where timelines like ‘once you’ve been behavior free for six months, you’re recovered’ don’t work. Because recovery from an eating disorder is so personal and we have to re-learn how to relate with food, only the individual can truly determine whether they are recovered or are presently working on recovery. We also discussed how even though we may be “recovered” in that behavior is no longer there, the underlying issues fueling our eating disorder will likely have to be dealt with over the course of life. This member was encouraged by others as they affirmed her transparency and set forth the proof that she is working on these issues when she comes to group every week and continues to work on her recovery.

The issue of boundaries came up as well, especially relating to family and friends. Members disclosed how hard it is to set appropriate boundaries with those they love. Setting healthy parameters and explaining our needs are vital steps to helping us move forward in recovery. For example, one member disclosed how she is planning to set a boundary with her mom concerning talking about her appearance. Her motivation is to prevent herself from being triggered in this relationship, which shows her being proactive and advocating for herself. Honesty, self-care, and discerning what you personally need in relationships is key here.

As always, different members struggle with different challenges, but support is always given from group members to ‘keep on going on in the positive direction you’re headed, despite how many times you get knocked down, because it will be worth it in the long run.’ Many successes were also brought up, which were very encouraging and worthy of celebration, like finding a therapist, reaching out to others for support in the moment, getting a new job, finding inner peace, and continuing to work on recovery on a daily basis. Looking forward to seeing you all next week,

Kathryn

Finding "real love" for ourselves and offering this gift to others

Last night, the support group spent a good amount of time discussing what "real love" is, how to find it with others, and most importantly, how to offer it to ourselves.  One member brought a book and read a powerful passage about finding ourselves afloat in the sea of life and encountering all types of loves - those that make us feel that we are drowning, and those that pull us onto a lifeboat.  Sometimes, the difference between these two loves is ambiguous and we follow the tide until we fully embrace the essence of this force.  I think that eating disorder recovery is deeply connected to this metaphor.  Eating disorders are seductive, mysterious, and enticing things, that at the beginning may try to tell us they are there to "save" us.  We might get on that lifeboat only to find ourselves with our head under water as we are tugged along a treacherous path.  What I found so amazing about this discussion last night was the unifying theme that many members spoke to of finding inner strength -- a strength that empowered them to choose the type of love that we will allow into our lives.  And, if dangerous and deadly loves have influenced us, perhaps in the form of an abusive partner, in the form of pills, or in the form of an eating disorder, we can still see the light that we may rise up and use our inner strength to battle this force.

While there was a note of empowerment and hope, there was also a harsh reality of the dangerous turns that eating disorders can tempt us to take.  Several members echoed their concern and pain over the struggles of a dear friend, and these members noted how personally their friend's struggle was touching them.  This raw moment bonded the whole group as we sat with the harsh reality of the ways these disorders can damage every part of us.  The silver lining, however, is in the fierce dedication that group members have to one another and to anyone else who suffers from an eating disorder.  While eating disorders are unfortunately not getting any less invasive, we do know that the power of friendship and support can help pull us through and find a safer, more bright side of life.  This was emanating from the support group last night, as each member resolved not to give up her fight for recovery.

-Kate

Controlling what we can and Surrendering what we cannot

Control seemed to be the recurring theme throughout last night’s group. As one member stated, “we have to control what we can and let go of the rest.” Sometimes we can feel like our eating disorder gives us our only sense of control when everything around us is out of control: changing jobs, losing relationships, financial burdens, family dynamics, moving to a new town, or simply everyday life seemed to be the uncontrollable and unpredictable parts of the member’s lives in this present time.

What if we could have a sense of control over our life that would propel us forward towards recovery instead of one that kept us stuck in disordered eating and self harm? For example, SELF-CONTROL by sticking to our meal plan, managing our emotions, receiving support (therapist, nutritionist, group), controlling our responses to others, taking care of our self (medications, sleep, balance), improving our communication, and doing the most effective things we need to keep us on track. Ok, so we can’t control things outside of ourselves, but we can control ourselves in a way that keeps us going in the direction we want, away from the eating disorder and towards recovery.

Members discussed the difference between supporting our sick self or supporting our healthy self. Daily, we have to differentiate between the voice of disordered eating and the voice of freedom and recovery, and choose which one we will follow. Self-control can be exercised in this area through awareness and making the choice to listen to our healthy self, which in the long run will lead to recovery.

May the next week be one of practicing controlling what we can (ourselves) and surrendering control of what we cannot.

Kathryn

Offering one another a hand for support during eating disorder recovery

Group this week was truly inspirational, as we witnessed members extending each other a hand for support and resources as they walk down this path of eating disorder recovery.  We had two new members who each offered unique insight and support to the group as they shared their stories.  One new member even helped a couple of members with potential employment options which is an amazing way to give hope in a time of uncertainty!

I was truly struck, as I am every week, by the openness and acceptance that group members give to each other.  I think this is the strongest element of the support group, and the one that helps motivate members to seek treatment or take care of themselves -- that unrelenting positive outlook and belief that recovery is real and possible for all of us.  One member, who is struggling with a recurrence of symptoms, was able to see that going back into her ED would threaten the healthy relationships that she has cultivated and this was enough to help her challenge the ED voice.  Another member took to the challenge of expressing her needs to a family member -- a very difficult thing to do when stuck in an ED -- and felt calm and centered as she echoed to the group why this was a positive step for her in recovery.  A third member related the trepidation of stepping on a scale -- and her anxiety about this was echoed and understood by everyone else in the room.

Sometimes in recovery, the strongest element to keep you going is just knowing that other people understand.  That not only do they "get it", but they have been there and are willing to help you get past it in any way they can.  Feeling accepted for your emotions and experiences can promote inner self acceptance and nudge you towards listening to your own healthy voice instead of the eating disorder's voice.  Recovery is built from a positive community and dedicated relationships!

Willingness

Willingness is doing just what is needed in a given situation, acting from the wisdom of your intuition, and bringing awareness to what’s going on inside and outside of yourself so that you can choose what will be most effective for you in the moment. A willing posture is a necessary component of recovery. Willingness is the opposite of willfulness, which is being stubborn, rigid, and refusing to do what is needed in a given situation. The group tonight showed tremendous willingness in various ways.

One member showed a willingness to get back on track with recovery after a few slip ups, despite her feelings of fear and frustration. A few others expressed a willingness to take better care of themselves, instead of allowing life’s stress, busyness and distraction to make them more vulnerable to their eating disorder. Another expressed an attitude of self-advocacy and assertiveness by standing up for herself and speaking her voice despite possible reactions from others. The issue of intimacy came up for one member and everyone else resonated with the fear that comes with getting closer to another person. However, she showed willingness to become aware of this fear as a trigger for her ED and she displayed courage to possibly take the risk to move toward intimacy in her relationships. Compassion is a recurring theme in the group, and tonight the group was open to allowing compassion for themselves, despite their struggles.

The willingness of this group to be real, to encourage one another, and to take the necessary steps for their own recovery continues to lead them forward on their journey. May we all learn how to be more willing to do what’s most effective for us today, so that we can continue to grow into the person we desire to become.

Group cancelled this week

Hello all,

Due to frigid temperatures in Denver this week, we did not hold the support group on Tuesday evening.  Please utilize the links on this blog for additional support until we meet again next week.  We hope that you stay safe and warm, and that recovery remains real and positive as we continue stepping forward towards healing.

All the best,
Kate

the winding road of recovery...

Many similar themes of recovery from last week showed up this week as well. The group seemed to resonate on the fact that recovery isn’t perfect. As much as we would like a formula and specific steps to follow, recovery will be unique to every person. One member encouraged another that even when we fall down or slip up, that doesn’t mean we have to have a full relapse. Being honest with ourselves and others who are supportive will help us get back up again and keep moving forward; whereas hiding and denying will only keep us stuck in a vicious cycle of eating disorder behavior. We were reminded that transformation occurs when comfort converges with discomfort, and often recovery is very uncomfortable! But if we continue to take risks, trust our team of support, and persevere through the hard times, the benefits of recovery will far outweigh the bondage of being stuck in an eating disorder.

Another member was encouraged in her endeavor to find support in other places besides her family, who is unable to provide the support she needs. This can often feel like a grief, because we want our families to understand and help us through recovery, and sometimes they just aren’t able to do that. However, support group, therapists, dieticians, and close friends can usually provide the support that is so needed during this time. One member spoke of learning to trust herself in places that used to be triggering, like the gym or grocery store, and how making a plan and sticking to it usually helps us stay centered in distressing times. The whole group was inspired to keep making choices that will be effective for them in their unique journey towards recovery. Wishing you all strength and encouragement wherever you are on your journey today,

Kathryn

Is it possible to fully recover from an eating disorder?

Support was flourishing and vital at this week's group, as many members posed challenges and acknowledged successes from the past week.  It rings true that no matter where we are in our stage of recovery, there is always a new challenge to face and another step to take.  This can be hard work, but can also offer fresh opportunities for learning and growth.  A common theme this week was pushing through these steps towards recovery and, as no one's steps look quite the same, wondering how and when we will know if we are truly on the path to getting free of this eating disorder.  Some members threw the word "healthy" out there and talked about their struggles to accept this word as a compliment instead of a threat.  A new member offered encouragement and support to a returning member, who had not been to the group for months.  She extended her hand to build a bridge with other members, echoing her own experience in treatment and relaying the instance of when she reached a healthier weight, some of the negative thoughts and impulses were miraclously replaced by happy and self-affirming thoughts.

A question posed by one member to the group that echoed through the room was: is it possible to every truly recover from an eating disorder, or is it something that "you will have to live with for the rest of your life"?  Each member had a different opinion about this and a unique perspective about what the answer might mean for them.  A resounding agreement came at the conclusion that we cannot know for sure, as we each experience recovery in our own way, at our own pace.  And, recovery being the beautifully imperfect thing that it is, it will always take shapes that shift and go in different directions at will.  Some members agreed that you can certainly recovered from eating disordered behaviors and manage many of the negative thoughts, but that there are other associated issues such as anxiety, depression, control issues, perfectionism, and low self esteem that may be factors that we managed throughout our lives.  Until we can discover and heal the true pain that is under the eating disorder, these other ways of coping will continue to be present after the ED has waned.  What do you think?

Wishing you peace, harmony, and inner strength on your path to recovery,
Kate

Living Out of ME

The consistent theme that kept appearing this week was how to be our own true self, regardless of external pressures or influences to be someone that we’re not. Many group members expressed the difficulty in expressing emotions verbally (without using their eating disorder), and standing up for themselves when they knew they needed to say something. The question underlying this is “who am I, and what defines me, without my eating disorder?” This can be scary and exhilarating at the same time.

Often in recovery, relationships change because we’ve changed, and it can be difficult to redefine yourself and live in your truth, regardless of what friends, spouses, co-workers, and family members think. So the group asked, how do I let go live from my true identity and let go of the influence of other’s opinions? It takes honesty, self-awareness, integrity and the courage to live out who we truly are.

I’m astounded still at the group’s desire to discover who they are without their eating disorder, continue growing into their true identity, and use their voice to express what’s going on inside. Maturity was shown as members expressed a willingness to grow, be authentic with themselves and others, and trust in the process even when don’t feel it. I applaud the group in this endeavor and encourage everyone to continue to discover and live out of the unique person they are.

Kathryn

Small Steps

First, I want to show my appreciation to the group for welcoming me as a new co-facilitator, and allowing me to be a part of your journey towards recovery. For the past three meetings, I have been amazed at the group’s solidarity, honesty, and generous support for one another. It takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable and real about eating disorders with others, and I applaud this.

This week’s group consisted of a mixture of somber challenges followed by encouraging feedback. Several members explained their successes as their challenges. For example, when we give something up that’s detrimental to our recovery (a relationship, an ineffective habit, a quick and temporary escape, or the masks we try to wear), we also forfeit the benefits that came alongside it. The small steps were emphasized as actually momentous steps towards recovery, like making the choice not to look at the scale, taking needed medications, self care, reaching out to others for help, and making an action plan for times of intense distress. Members discussed that even though recovery requires letting go of things that brought (perceived) comfort before, there is much opportunity to grow, be free, discover your true self, and experience authentic relationships without ED dominating you.

I continue to encourage you to keep making those small choices that will propel you on your path into recovery. They truly do make all the difference. Looking forward to seeing all of you next week,

Kathryn