Growing out of our eating disorder and into ourselves

Every week, the support group members astonish me with their wisdom, perseverance, and level of hope they carry on their path of eating disorder recovery.  We had an amazing group last night, full of women on all walks of life and on the path to recovery offering each other support and resources.  One thing that continues to pop out at me is the capacity that members have to offer each other unrelenting depths of hope, but the difficulty they have in turned that hope towards their own recovery.  Why is it that we feel it is easier to give help to others than to embody it ourselves?  I think that eating disorders are tricky and deceptive things (and I am sure you would agree) that tell us lies such as "you don't deserve to be strong", or "you're not good enough to be in recovery".  These negative and untrue messages can keep us fighting a battle that we ALL deserve to win.

A big theme last night was this very concept of "I'm not living up to ______'s standards".  Whether it is your expectations, your parents', society's or ED's, can we ever really get to that unattainable place?  And if we do, will we be happy?  As someone who had walked this path, I can tell you that the more pressure we put on ourselves (whether by our own volition or put upon us by others), the more out of reach our recovery becomes.  Recovery is balanced, recovery means making mistakes.  Recovery does not mean perfection.....we are seduced by our eating disorder the more that perfection taunts us.  As someone who has WON this battle, I strive every day to live in the gray area, and not in the black and white.

How do we know when we are on the path to recovery? That question is echoed a million times all over the world every single day.  One member brought up her own journey last night  -- and shared with the group her anguish over growing out of her clothes.  Members were eager to show her support -- and to help her understand that she is growing out of her "sick clothes" and into her recovery.  This is one of the most difficult parts of recovery, however it is undeniable evidence that we are healing.  Growth is the essence of recovery -- growing out of the box we are stuck in, growing wiser in our own self-care, and growing stronger to fight the ED every day.

I know that there is growth happening every day, and I am grateful that the members of the support group trust us enough to show that growth.  One of the most amazing things about this growth is that we are growing TOGETHER.....and together we can beat the devastation of an eating disorder.

Kate

Trust

Trusting can be incredibly difficult in general and especially hard when recovering from an eating disorder. Not only do you have to trust those who are providing treatment (therapists, nutritionists) and those who support you (family, friends, spouses, support group), but you have to trust yourself too. Tonight in group, members spoke of trusting themselves, especially to take risks and small steps towards recovery. One member discussed trusting herself to pack a balanced lunch, another had to trust herself enough to allow herself to take a break from life’s demands, and another spoke of her desire to not be paralyzed by fear but rather to be willing to take risks despite knowing the results of her efforts.

There comes a point in recovery when you have to learn to trust yourself to give your body what it needs and desires. Learning self-care requires taking risks in giving yourself what you need, instead of what you think or tell yourself you need. One member put it well: ‘you can’t think yourself into a new way of being, you have to experience yourself into a new way of being,” meaning you have to take the small steps in becoming the person you want to be. Every person has that intuitive voice, the one that is the healthy voice, and we have to trust that it knows best and follow it.

Every week, members reveal ways they are trusting themselves on their recovery journey. They trust their true voice by challenging their eating disordered thoughts and behavior, setting healthy boundaries in relationships, being honest, staying on board with treatment regardless of how they feel, and not isolating. They inspire one another to trust their healthy voice, not the sick voice that is marked by fear, that defines you by a number, and that lies about your self-worth being defined by your appearance. As usual, I was inspired by the group's courage, and I hope we all continue to trust ourselves and continue taking the small steps to become more whole and healthy individuals.

Kathryn

Integrity

The word that comes to mind from last night's group is INTEGRITY- which includes honesty and being our whole, true selves. Members displayed bold honesty about life’s hardships and celebrations, their struggles with their eating disorder, and their desire to listen to their true voice rather than the one that is harmful. Eating disorders are secretive and make us isolate from those we love, but when we choose to bring our struggle out into the open with safe people, the eating disorder loses its power. Shame vanishes, hope rises, and we can deal with the issue underneath that’s really fueling the behavior.

I was amazed at the courage many members demonstrated by speaking the truth about their eating disorder to spouses, friends, therapists and the support group. This willingness to be real about one’s struggle fosters immense growth towards recovery.

The topic of Identity was also brought up as members wrestled with defining who they are without the demands, expectations or assumptions of other people. One member encouraged everyone to grow outside of the “little box” of sizes or numbers on the scale or our clothes that we can be tempted to define ourselves by. When we grow the box of our identity a little bigger, we have more space to flourish and become who we truly are, which is so much more than simply a number. Our unique personality, interests, passions, gifts, and all the elements that make us who we truly are can thrive when we allow others’ perceptions and even our own self-imposed limitations fall away.

Honesty and identity are issues that are essential to recovery. Both were present last night in group as members were honest with themselves as well as other group members. I was amazed and inspired by the group’s audacity to discover their true identity apart from struggling with an eating disorder. As one member put it, “your eating disorder is not your legacy…it is not who you are.” I hope we all continue to be boldly honest and true to our own identity as we go through this week.

Kathryn

Authentic Recovery and Boundaries

The themes that came up this week in the Support Group were the Authenticity of Recovery and Boundaries.

One member brought up whether she could be “in recovery” when her behavior is still present. Other members responded by explaining that recovery is a process, where timelines like ‘once you’ve been behavior free for six months, you’re recovered’ don’t work. Because recovery from an eating disorder is so personal and we have to re-learn how to relate with food, only the individual can truly determine whether they are recovered or are presently working on recovery. We also discussed how even though we may be “recovered” in that behavior is no longer there, the underlying issues fueling our eating disorder will likely have to be dealt with over the course of life. This member was encouraged by others as they affirmed her transparency and set forth the proof that she is working on these issues when she comes to group every week and continues to work on her recovery.

The issue of boundaries came up as well, especially relating to family and friends. Members disclosed how hard it is to set appropriate boundaries with those they love. Setting healthy parameters and explaining our needs are vital steps to helping us move forward in recovery. For example, one member disclosed how she is planning to set a boundary with her mom concerning talking about her appearance. Her motivation is to prevent herself from being triggered in this relationship, which shows her being proactive and advocating for herself. Honesty, self-care, and discerning what you personally need in relationships is key here.

As always, different members struggle with different challenges, but support is always given from group members to ‘keep on going on in the positive direction you’re headed, despite how many times you get knocked down, because it will be worth it in the long run.’ Many successes were also brought up, which were very encouraging and worthy of celebration, like finding a therapist, reaching out to others for support in the moment, getting a new job, finding inner peace, and continuing to work on recovery on a daily basis. Looking forward to seeing you all next week,

Kathryn

Finding "real love" for ourselves and offering this gift to others

Last night, the support group spent a good amount of time discussing what "real love" is, how to find it with others, and most importantly, how to offer it to ourselves.  One member brought a book and read a powerful passage about finding ourselves afloat in the sea of life and encountering all types of loves - those that make us feel that we are drowning, and those that pull us onto a lifeboat.  Sometimes, the difference between these two loves is ambiguous and we follow the tide until we fully embrace the essence of this force.  I think that eating disorder recovery is deeply connected to this metaphor.  Eating disorders are seductive, mysterious, and enticing things, that at the beginning may try to tell us they are there to "save" us.  We might get on that lifeboat only to find ourselves with our head under water as we are tugged along a treacherous path.  What I found so amazing about this discussion last night was the unifying theme that many members spoke to of finding inner strength -- a strength that empowered them to choose the type of love that we will allow into our lives.  And, if dangerous and deadly loves have influenced us, perhaps in the form of an abusive partner, in the form of pills, or in the form of an eating disorder, we can still see the light that we may rise up and use our inner strength to battle this force.

While there was a note of empowerment and hope, there was also a harsh reality of the dangerous turns that eating disorders can tempt us to take.  Several members echoed their concern and pain over the struggles of a dear friend, and these members noted how personally their friend's struggle was touching them.  This raw moment bonded the whole group as we sat with the harsh reality of the ways these disorders can damage every part of us.  The silver lining, however, is in the fierce dedication that group members have to one another and to anyone else who suffers from an eating disorder.  While eating disorders are unfortunately not getting any less invasive, we do know that the power of friendship and support can help pull us through and find a safer, more bright side of life.  This was emanating from the support group last night, as each member resolved not to give up her fight for recovery.

-Kate